Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
