I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
