you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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