Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
