Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
