She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
