i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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