Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
