$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
