I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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