my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
