be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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