i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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