I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
