Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
