You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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