ya dads aren't the best wingmen
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize