"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i think i have herpe
just one?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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