my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
