You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Randomize
