she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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