the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
