been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
