I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize