Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
