Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
