I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize