I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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