dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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