I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
