you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
