Umm I'm too high to move.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
