my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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