just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
