working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
