I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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