I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
