When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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