The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
