the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize