someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
