i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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