I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
