Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize