happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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