Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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