Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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