well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
