I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
