True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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