she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
