omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
