hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
