If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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