I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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