He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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